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AREA 10 

 

 

 Humour

 

Once Navy always Navy

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play stereo music in women's breast implants.
 

The iTit will cost between $499 and $699, depending on speaker size.
 

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. 


IF YOU CANT FIND THE BOOK YOUR LOOKING FOR

Your probably looking in the......

A  mature lady gets pulls over for speeding
Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop:  Can I see your license please?
Older  Woman:  Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.  
Traffic Cop:  Don't have one?
Older  Woman:  No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.  
Traffic Cop:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers    please.  
Older  Woman:  I can't do that.
Traffic Cop:  Why not?
Older  Woman:  I stole this car.
Traffic Cop:  Stole it?
Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop:  You what!?
Older Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see  
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for  back up.  
Within  minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.  
Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please! The     woman steps out of her vehicle.  
Older woman:  Is there a problem sir?
Officer  2:  My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and
murdered  the owner.  
Older     Woman:  Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please.
The     woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk.  
Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am? 
Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers The traffic cop is
quite stunned.  
Officer  2:  My colleague claims that you do not have a driving    license.  
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the  license quizzically.  
Officer  2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a  license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman:  Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.  
 
Don't  Mess With Mature Ladies

 

 

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for
membership at a local golf club.  About a week later he received a
letter that his application has been rejected.  He went to the club to
inquire as to why.
 
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is
MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam
room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
 
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that. 
 
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
 
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates
are different from theirs.
 
Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the
Order of the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to
join the Knights of Columbus.  But this is the first time I've heard
that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!!

 

I called an old Shipmate and asked

 what was he doing. He replied that he

is working on "Aqua-thermal  treatment

of ceramics, aluminium and steel under

 a constrained environment."



I was impressed...



On further inquiring, I learned that he

 was washing dishes with hot

 water .......under his wife's supervision.

CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE....        

1.         ARBITRATOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s 
  
2.         BERNADETTE 
The act of torching a mortgage. 
  
3.         BURGLARIZE 
What a crook sees through 
  
4.         AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do 
  
5.         EYEDROPPER 
Clumsy ophthalmologist 
  
6.         CONTROL 
A short, ugly inmate. 
  
7.         COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets 
  
8.         ECLIPSE 
What an English barber does for a living. 
  
9.         LEFT BANK 
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money. 
  
10.    HEROES
What a man in a boat does 
  
11.    PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower 
  
12.    PARADOX 
Two physicians 
  
13.    PHARMACIST 
A helper on a farm 
  
14.    POLARIZE 
What penguins see through 
  
15.    PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV 
  
16.    RELIEF 
What trees do in the spring 
  
17.    RUBBERNECK 
What you do to relax your wife 
  
18.    SELFISH 
What the owner of a seafood store does 
  
19.    SUDAFED 
Brought litigation against a government official 
  
20.    PARADIGMS   Twenty cents

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to

the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like

to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of

bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband

in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you

had a prescription.

Why Condoms Come In Boxes of 3, 6 and 12

A man walks into a drug store with his ten-year-old son.  They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"


The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.  Men use them to have safe sex."


"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.  Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."


The boy looks over the display, picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?"


The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."


"Cool," says the boy.  Then he notices a six-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"


"Those are for university students," the dad answers, “two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”


"WOW!" exclaims the boy.  "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a twelve-pack.


With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, "Those are for married men… one for January, one for February, one for March...”

 

We provide help and camaraderie for ex-servicemen in North West, Area 10 

 

 

Unity, Loyalty, Patriotism, and Comradeship

 

                      

 

 

 

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